How I spent my weekend

This post will be long, personal and a little piece of my soul.  Bear with me.

This past weekend, I went on a Walk to Emmaus.  If you have never heard of it, it is a wonderful weekend with God.  It is the most awesome experience I have ever been involved with.  I went on my first walk 6 years ago and have worked a few times since serving and helping when I can.  It is an absolutely, life changing experience!  It is a weekend of fellowship, worship, speakers, laughter, tears, prayer, singing and God.  Let's not forget little sleep and tons of food.  The beautiful thing about Emmaus is you get all kinds of women from different denominations worshiping together.  Coming from a Baptist background, my form of worship is different than say a Pentecostal or Church of God.  But I have learned that we all have a common goal: to get closer to God.  It is a truly amazing experience.  This weekend was one I will never forget.  God was able to help me let go of such deep hurts, that today, 6 days later, I am still basking in His love and mercy.

You see, I am infertile.  Yep, I said it.  INFERTILE.  Whenever, you hear women talk about their struggles with infertility, they usually say, "We are experiencing some infertility", or "We are having some trouble getting pregnant".   Well, let me just say after 18 years of trying with absolutely no success,  I get the gold star!  I can not even begin to tell you of the struggles, depression, anger and bitterness that I have wrestled with my whole adult life over my infertility.  The bible says, "the fruit of the womb is His reward".  I have went through many periods of utter despair over not receiving that "reward", when I faithfully served and followed Him.  Even my adopted loves have a birth mother, a lady who got to feel them move, give birth and be "rewarded".  At times it was like a slap in my face.  In my mind there was this secret club that I could never belong to no matter how hard I tried.  If you are infertile like me, you know which one I'm talking about.  It's the one that gathers at every baby shower, womens night out and even holiday gatherings.  It's the "lets all tell our pregnancy tales" club.  I can remember sitting there so many times wanting the floor to swallow me as midnight cravings were discussed or the excitement of feeling the baby kick, fighting back tears because I had nothing to contribute.  Many times I have quietly gotten up from the  conversation with no one realizing the silent anguish I carried inside. 

If you have an infertile friend, please don't ever say, "I understand how you feel".  The sweetest thing my mom, my sisters and a few special friends have said to me is, "I'm sorry you are going through this battle, I love you, I'm praying for you".  They didn't understand my despair, but they shared in it, lending a listening ear when I needed to vent and that was so comforting and helpful to me.

Now, I will say that adoption has absolutely filled my hearts desire to be a momma.  I longed for little arms around me and to hear the sweet words, "I love you mommy".  And God gave me the desires of my heart. My children are the best thing to ever happen to me.  I can't imagine that I would love a biological child any more.  I'd like to say I never had times of depression after adoption and longing for pregnancy, but that would be a lie.  I still wanted what I couldn't have.  Don't we all do that to some degree?  Bitterness took an ugly hold on my heart and at times I was able to squash it and experience pure joy.  But the seeds were still there, lurking in the dark, always looking for an opportunity to rear their ugly heads.  I just wasn't ready to let go and let God.

My resolution in January was for healing.  That was the word that kept coming up when I would pray.  I really just wanted my infertility to not have such a negative hold on me any more.  I even looked up several verses in my concordance on healing and wrote them down in my journal.  I was ready in January to take a step in the right direction for God to deal with me about my bitterness.  I was called about working the next women's walk and the first talk that a pastor gave at our team meeting was about healing.  I knew that God meant to work on my heart that weekend.  

There is a special ceremony during the womens walk, where you are asked to let go of something holding you back in life.  I knew for me it was my bitterness.  When I spoke it out loud and claimed it, I was able to finally and when I say finally, I am crying as I type this, FINALLY, able to let go of all my hurt and disappointments with my fertility struggles.  1 Peter 5:7 says, "Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you".  I was able to really just let it go and let God.  I let God just minister to me and love me.  It was one of the sweetest times of fellowship I've ever had with the Lord.  He truly does care for us and hurts when we hurt.  He rejoices when we find that joy that only He can give.

You want to know the awesome part?  At my table God placed two other adoptive moms, a newly pregnant soon-to-be mom, a mom with 5 kids and a young mom.  All precious women who showed me that it doesn't matter how we became moms, through biology or adoption, we are all on this journey together.  My journey doesn't look like anyone elses but I can finally say, It is well with my soul.  For now, I am so content to raise my darlings and just enjoy being alive.  Life is hard sometimes, but God is good!  What a beautiful, amazing journey it is!

Am I ready to blog again?

It has been another long break from my blog.  I have spent the last little bit reading over some of my old posts.  I can see that writing for me is an outlet and so helpful when I am down and out over things I can't control.  I may blog some in the next few months as we decide if we are going to put our house on the market to sell.  We are ready to lower our debt load.  Being on one income is a HUGE sacrifice for our family.  There a lot of things we don't do because the money just isn't there.  But the rewards of being tighter knit as a family are worth any extras we may think we need.  So, here's what I do know right now:

God is good.
God is sovereign.
God cares for me, even when I mess up and don't think He does.
God gave me two precious treasures to love and raise and I am so thankful.
I am still infertile and actually have a lot to say about that, but that will come later.
I adore my husband, who can also drive me to insanity!
I love and I mean love to garden and work in flowers.
My children are growing up way too fast!

And last but not least,  GOD IS GOOD!

Blessings,
McKinsey

A busy season

I'm learning on this life journey that there are busy times and slow times.  This is a busy season in  my life.  I was looking forward to beginning a new school year at the first of August knowing that this forces me to slow down and not commit to so many outside activities and focus on educating my children.  Somehow, my brain did not get the memo and I am still going full force.  We went camping for a week in August, I started working part time in the evenings, my sister got married, of which I was in charge of decorating, my husband has been so busy that we've not had a date night in months, I am one of the leaders at our homeschool co-op which meets weekly and I am teaching 3 classes that I have to prepare for each week.

I need a vacation.

Oh wait, I am going to Disney World in February, does that count?

Where does this leave me on my diet?  I'm still plugging along with Trim Healthy Mama 85% of the time.  I am exercising regularly and am happy about that, but I'm ready to focus on losing more weight.  My periods are starting to be more regular, thanks to vitex and I haven't had any endo flare ups in a while.  That is worth sticking to gluten free and sugar free as much as I can. 

Getting a part time job was necessary right now for financial reasons and to help save for our Disney trip.  It has been hard to maneuver because I don't get to see my husband in the evenings and we don't get to sit down to dinner together so I don't know how long I will work as right now my husband isn't happy.  I told him I wanted to work until we go on vacation.  We will see.  Mommas roles are so important to a healthy balance in the house.  I don't know how families have two working parents, kids in school and do sports and clubs.  I cherish my time with my family and I know everyone is different.  I'm just so thankful I can stay home and be with my family as much as I am. 

 I know that seasons come and go, this isn't forever and all will be well soon!  God has been so good to me, blessed me with beautiful children and a wonderful husband.  It's all good :)

Endo flare up

     The other day hubster and I picked about 7 gallons of tame blackberries at a friends house.  We came home and got busy getting them squished and juiced for jelly.  We sent the kids on to church and work for a few hours.  By this point we were starving so we took a break and went to town to get some supper.  We mutually agreed on pizza.

    Can I just say that out of any meal I am gonna cheat on, it'll be with pizza.  I LOVE it!  Give me gooey, cheesy, meaty yumminess and I will eat more than I should every time.  We called and got the special of the day.  Little did we know it came with cini-stix.  Which are equally sinful and yummy.   Since it was just us, we ate every single bite.  I totally knew I was blowing my diet for this one meal and knew I would get right back on track, but I wasn't prepared for how horrible I would feel the next day. 

     As I am learning more about endometriosis, I know that wheat and sugar can trigger flare-ups.  Well, I had both that day and it set me up for three days of pain.  I was not a happy camper.  As I was telling mom about it, she said, "Was it worth it?"  Of course it was NOT!!!  But breaking addictions to sugar and carbs is very, very hard.  I want to be healed and well.  I hate that my body is infertile and that simply eating pizza reminds me of how much healing my body needs to do.  I wish that I could eat what I want and be a normal size.  I know that I am taking the right steps to get me where I want to be, I just wish it would happen yesterday!!!

     Here's what I do know:  God is good.  I am relatively healthy, my children and husband are well.  I love my life and wouldn't change anything about it, except my health.  I am making strides to fix that too!  I will get there, eventually.

And what a happy day that will be!

Crazy Days need extra planning!

It was a crazy day at my house.  My little boy came that I babysit and then I had to get a lunch packed for our home school co-op play date at the park.  I made the kids a sandwich then I had to think about my lunch.  Mine usually takes more prep because I am not eating bread.  I was so hungry this morning.  I tried a new recipe.  I made an orange creamsicle protein shake.  I used almond milk, ice, protein powder, stevia and 3 drops of orange essential oil.  It was yummy but I realized that I'm not a sweet eater for breakfast.  Two drops would have been enough. So I ate it and it was filling but  I really love some sausage and eggs or a muffin in a mug for breakfast.  I'm a true blue country gal! I ended up having some skinny chocolate and then later had some leftover devilled eggs for a snack (I know, weird right?)

Anyway back to my lunch.  I prepped beef salami, cheese, fresh cucumbers and peppers from the garden, strawberries and pecans.  I finished packing the kids lunch, filled water bottles, found raincoats, loaded the recyclables and out the door we went.  Then I realized I needed gas.  So after dropping off the plastic at the recycling center and getting gas, we were park bound.  It was a whirl wind day of group meeting, rounding up kids, feeding them, meeting some more, round up kids and then coming home. 

As soon as I got home, I sat down at the table to work on planning our new school year (which begins Monday), then hubby came home for 5 minutes and was back out the door to go to another job.  I then had to go pick up our weekly eggs, which again was rounding up the kids and heading out.  I drive 10 minutes to get 3 dozen eggs every week and they are the yummiest, best eggs ever!  You can't beat free range, organic eggs for 2.50 a dozen.  Worth every bit of effort.

After coming home, this was all I heard, "I'm starving, what's for supper?"  Thankfully I had thawed some deer tenderloin.  So I made my family some tenderloin, mashed potatoes, corn and sauteed zucchini in butter.  I ate tenderloin, zucchini and a small portion of mashed potatoes.  It had a been a long time since I've them and I had a yummy crossover meal with some ice cold milk. 

Shew!  I'm exhausted just typing all that out.  I'm glad everyday isn't like that or I'd be a basket case!  Now I'm off to watch a movie with hubby.  The kids are holed up in my room watching sleeping beauty.  Have a blessed week :)

Summer is finally here! Thank you Lord!

     It's been a crazy summer.  Rain was prolific at the end of June and early July.  We have finally had great and HOT weather this week.  We have been able to swim at my moms several times and it finally feels like summer!  Just when we are starting to enjoying it, we will begin our new homeschool year in a week.  Yikes!  I'm ready.  We have been off for about six weeks and it's time to get back in a groove.  I am finally back on track with my eating plan.  Coming off sugar completely was not fun, especially with my period coming this week.  My periods are the type that I am bed-ridden for a couple of days as my endometriosis flairs up.  Since I have been taking Vitex regularly, my periods are starting to even out.  I went from October-March with no period, then I had one in March, June and now July.  I think I may start to have them regularly if I keep up my Vitex routine.  I think exercising 3-5 times a week is helping as well.

     Tomorrow is homecoming at church.  Normally I plan to eat whatever I want at church dinners and deal with getting back on track the next day.  Tomorrow, I am planning on eating what I should and nothing else.  It's not worth the guilt and the physical pain from too much wheat and sugar that I will get by going off plan.  If I am going to cheat, it had better be an absolutely delicious meal. 

    Now that I'm back on track,  I'm calling it Round 2.  The first round was from January-May and I lost 23 lbs.  The last two months I have been off plan more than on, which resulted in gaining 5 lbs.  So this time around, I am planning on another 20 lbs by Christmas!  I will get this weight off me, even if it takes 3 years (which more than likely, it will). 

     I'm working on a post about adoption, but I'm not quite ready to post it.  Maybe in a week or two!

Am I sabotaging myself?

I've been doing THM for six months now.  I absolutely love eating gluten and sugar free.  I feel great when I stick with it.  But here lately, well two months to be exact, I have had the hardest time staying on plan.  I keep losing and gaining the same 5 lbs over and over and over.  It is frustrating to say the least.  I do well for a week or two and then BAM!  I go to a party, cook-out, church dinner, etc and get completely off track for a few days.  Then I get back on track and then WHAM!  I go on a date night and feel like treating myself and have a cheat meal and then the next morning feel horrible and eat off plan again and then it takes several days to get back on track again.

AM I PURPOSELY SABOTAGING MYSELF???

Some people have this insane ability that they can go to social functions and eat what they are supposed to and never have trouble and then lose 50 lbs in the same six months it has taken me to lose 20.

I would like to smack these people.  :)

Losing weight is HARD!  I have found a way that I am successful, I feel great, I am regaining my health, but I STILL am struggling.  There are times I have cried out to the Lord in frustration.  "Lord, am I going to be overweight for the rest of my life?"  "Why can't I stay on track?"  I am reminded that we live in a fallen world.  Life is not meant to be easy all the time.  I have an enemy who wants me to fail.  He would like me to stay in this frustrated state so that I am not useful to God.  I remind him that I have a Father who can!

I deserve to be healthy and happy.  I want to honor God and take care of the one body He gave me.  It's going to be a long, uphill battle to get this weight off me.  I WILL do it!  It won't be today, tomorrow or probably even by next spring, but I know that at some point in my future, I will be the Trim Healthy Mama that I want to be. 

28 day T-tapp challenge

I'm currently doing a 28 day T-tapp challenge.  I weighed, measured and took a photo in a snug outfit on Monday and in one month will redo that again to see if I have changed.  Putting on tight clothes and standing in front of the camera was NOT fun!  Who wants to look like a little fat sausage crammed in some clothes?  NOT ME.  But I really want to see if I can tell a difference after this challenge.  When I went to church camp a few weeks ago, I gained 8-10 lbs.  I knew most of it was water weight and well, just being 'full'.  I am happy that it came off in a week.  I sure wish I could lose 10 every week lol!  I'd be skinny by fall :)  I'm still about 4 lbs from where I was in May, so I am working toward that right now.  Of course, it does not help that I ate several chocolate chip cookies yesterday and this morning for breakfast.  Hey, what can I say, I'm human.  I had guests over for lunch and if I make it and it's staring me in the face, I'll eat it!  I think all my friends and family from now on will have to eat sugar free with me if I want to be successful.  I really have no willpower at all when it comes to yummy sugar-filled chocolate treats!  I need a 12 step program for sugar.  So I'm off to drink a quart of water now and exercise!

Church camp fun!

We had a blast at church camp, but boy was I glad to get home.  It was an exhausting week.  I don't do well with under 6 hours of sleep at night.  I was one grumpy mama by saturday.  Not to mention, my eating was waaaaay off and I gained 8 lbs!  I know most of it was water weight because I was very swollen and puffy, but I sure didn't like it and have been trying to get back on track all week.  I feel like today I will finally have  a full on Trim Healthy Mama successful day!  I refuse to weigh myself for the next several weeks because it just makes me want to eat when I don't get the results I want.  So I'm going to focus on eating right and getting my exercise in, whether it be T-Tapp, walking, swimming or gardening.  Here's some pics from our fun week:

My sister Sam and I

My sweet daughter!

Posing in the Lake!

Craft time

She is just like her momma :)

Having a blast on the water slides

She painted a birdhouse, but not the one in the background, ha ha!

He always makes faces.

So I decided to make a face when he wanted a serious shot!

He's like, "what the"  LOL!

Singing This little light of mine at church one night.  They had been swimming all day and the kids were wore out!

Sunbathing

Art time

Off to Church Camp I Go!

This week our family will be leaving for church camp.  Even my husband!  I'm so glad he gets to go with us.  It is hard on us financially when he misses a week of work, but the rewards far outweigh a paycheck in my opinion!  I consider this family time, fellowship time and growing in the Lord time.  I usually help with the teen girl class and teach one of the days.  My lesson this year will be on integrity.  I feel like this generation coming up lacks this so much.  What has happened to kids today?  No morals, manners, honor or integrity.  I pray that I can raise Lexie and Izaiah with fear and reverence to the Lord.  I will consider my job complete if they learn to love the Lord as much as I do! 

My Trim Healthy Mama journey is still plugging along.  I have been stalled for several weeks and my eating has been off, so I decided to try T-Tapp.  I ordered a starter set and did a 9 day boot camp.  Basically I did  the Basic Workout Plus DVD which takes 15 minutes every day for 9 days.  I measured before and after.  I lost almost 10 inches all over!  I was super excited.  3 inches came off my belly and another 3 came off my ribs.  I am an apple shape so anything off my tummy is a welcome departure :)  I will definitely continue with this program.  I like that it's short but I am sweating buckets by the time it's over.

Church camp will be challenging eating wise.  When you feed a big crowd, you buy cheap junk!  I will do the best I can and try to walk several times and drink as much water as I can.  I know that when I come home on Saturday, I will be ready for a few days of detox.  I will post some pictures this week if I can of what we are doing at camp.

Have a blessed week.

Lovin these summer evenings

I'm so happy for this sunny, warm week!  It's a much needed breath of fresh air after this crazy rainy month!  We've been staying outside for long periods of time and very late in the evenings.  The kids are content to ride bikes, wrestle, play tag, help us in the yard while Frankie and I work in our garden, mow, plant flowers and sit on the porch.  I LOVE summer!

One thing I really love about summer is grilling.  I can't wait to grill chicken, steak, burgers, veggies, potatoes, peaches, pizza, tomatoes, pork chops and lots more yummy food :)

My THM journey is at a stall.  I have to admit to too many slip ups but I have a plan to get back on plan.  I ordered TTapp, which is a quick efficient exercise program that I am hoping will help me lose inches.  I measured myself today and will do so once a week for four weeks to see how I do.  I'm also putting my scale away for a month.  I don't need the mental anguish it brings me.  Does it really matter that I know I have 70+ lbs to lose?  I want my clothes to be an indicator of my success.  Also with church camp coming up in two weeks, it's pointless to weigh before or after.  It's a week of junk food.  I will do the best I can and bring things but I know it will be hard to be 100% committed.  So I'm going to allow myself some grace!  After church camp will be a complete detox week to get myself back on track. 

It's all good.  I am on a journey and recognizing that there will be periods that will be harder than other times is what will make my journey successful!

Have a blessed week.

Rain

Childhood innocence is a beautiful thing.  It has been raining like crazy for the past few weeks and frankly, I am sick of it.  I can't get my vegetables planted because the ground is just muck.  So today it decided to rain again (big shocker there).  We were all standing in the garage watching it start to sprinkle.  I told the kids they could ride their bikes as long as it just rained and didn't thunder or lighting.  They hesitantly rode out on the driveway, giggling and hunching down as the onslaught of rain grew stronger.  As they rode and realized this was fun, the bike paddles went faster.  They eventually abandoned the bikes and decided to just run through the grass and puddles.  The pure joy and laughter was such a blessing to see.  They ran, zigzagged, lunged, jumped, shrieked, screamed, laughed and had a blast.  At one point Lexie just stood with her arms outstretched with her face to the sky totally absorbed in the moment.  It was a precious thing to witness.  I realized that at one time in my life, I was that same little girl with my face turned to heaven as the water ran down my face as I reveled in a rainstorm.  It was a full circle moment.  After that, I was immediately thankful for the rain and the happiness it brought my children.  Our heavenly Father knows exactly what we need.  It's the simple things that matter the most in life!

Will I ever reach my goal?

Losing weight is hard!  I finally had someone tell me the other day, "You are looking great!"  I have been stuck at the same weight for a month.  With my hormone challenges, pcos and endometriosis, getting this weight off is going to be a long, slow process.  I am trying not to get discouraged when other women on the THM boards have lost twice as much as me in the same amount of time.  God makes us all unique and I know that it will come off eventually.

Here's my menu for today:

B- Coffee with cream and stevia, 2 pieces of sausage ( I got busy and forgot eggs lol!)
Sn- Fat Stripping Frappe
L- Spaghetti made with dreamfields pasta
sn- ginger lime water, coconut/lime pudding
D- Baked pork chops, kale chips, Greek salad
Desert- Skinny Chocolate

For exercise today I am going to walk and work in the garden.  I've also been chasing a toddler and 3 year old all day that I babysit.  That has GOT to burn some calories!!

Have a blessed day!

The Longing to be a Mama

I remember years ago when my husband and I were trying so hard to concieve and each year I had to endure the dreaded holiday:  Mother's Day.  Oh how I couldn't wait for that day to be over.  Our church has a tradition that the mom with the most kids present gets a gift and the oldest and the youngest mom get a gift and are recognized.  That was only three people so it wasn't so bad.  I remember one year very distinctly.  We had been trying to have a baby through countless rounds of fertility treatments and I was especially touchy on this particular Mother's Day.  It seemed like a year when there was a ton of new babies at church and motherhood was being celebrated everywhere.  Everywhere except my house.

To think that only three people would be recognized at Mother's Day was not too bad, until they also asked every mother to stand up and be recognized.  I felt sick and my heart sunk as row after row of women stood up.  I sat there mutely and like a stone.  I didn't dare glance around.  But I knew I was one of the very, very few women still seated.  I felt hot from the embarrassment that I was sitting and not standing.  I felt so ashamed.  If that wasn't bad enough to sit there, the applause started.  Endless clapping as I fought back tears for the very thing my heart desired: motherhood.  That elusive club that I longed to belong to.  I had to sit there and clap and put on a happy face and pretend all was right with the world.  You see, infertility is not talked about.  Everyone knew I was trying to have a baby, but no one really understood what I was going through.  Until you have faced infertility, you don't have a clue what it's like to long for a baby so hard it hurts.  It's a physical, mental and spiritual anguish.  To know that your body just can't do what millions of women do every day is gut wrenching.

 I'm so thankful that God has bottled all my tears over the years and heard my heart and listened to my pleas.  Because He did make me a mother.  Just not in the way I intended.  He heard my hearts desire to be a mother and he brought me and my husband two of the greatest kids ever.  Through adoption I get to stand up every Mother's Day and be recognized.  I get to have hugs and kisses every day, get the privilege of raising two wonderful kids.  Infertility still hurts immensely at times but to only focus on that would be to say I don't have faith in the Lord. To only focus on my infertility would mean I'm not thankful for my blessings!  God knows what I needed more than I do.  If I say that I trust Him and love Him, shouldn't I rest in His promises and know that He has it under control?  There is a reason I haven't conceived and may never.  One day I will know.  But for now I am busy raising a family that God weaved together with his own hands!

Weary

It's been a dreary, weary week.  The weather has been awful here in TN.  Rain, rain and more rain.  For the past 3 weekends, it has rained.  And not just a little rain, MAJOR rain!  So much rain that my flower beds are swampy.  I haven't been able to plant much in my garden and that is driving me crazy.  At times like this, I have to admit I get weak in spirit.  My diet has been off this week, my sleep and my attitude have all been affected from this never-ending rain.  Being inside so much makes me want to eat more.  *sigh*

I told ya it's been a weary week.

This is when staying on plan and continuing my weight loss journey is HARD.   I get overwhelmed with how much I still need to lose and just want to eat a stinking donut already!  When I think I'll still be trying to lose weight next May, I just want to cry. 

But what's the other alternative?  Being obese the rest of my life is no longer on my TO DO list.  I desire different things now so each and every day this week I have had to talk myself off the ledge, committ to staying on track 85% of the time and forgive myself for slip-ups.  I'll have a better attitude tomorrow :)  As soon as the SON shines, it's all good!

Do you have SON shine in your life mama? 

Spring has sprung!

Spring has finally arrived in TN and I couldn't be happier.  I'm finally seeing tiny leaves on the trees, butterflies, birds galore, lots of chirping and my spring flowers blooming like crazy!  I absolutely love this time of year!!!  It's so refreshing after a long winter to welcome spring with open arms.  It makes me so happy to soak up much needed vitamin D.  I think the whole house is just more pleasant when spring arrives. 

I made a goal a few weeks ago to be on plan and totally committed.  I'm reaching my goals and have exercised a few times this week and stayed on track eating wise.  I've been gardening, working in the yard and babysitting so I totally count that as part of my exercise.  It's a good feeling to be in a good groove.

I'm also down .8 from last week so my total loss is 23.8 lbs!  I'll take any loss, any time.  God is so good to me and my family!  Have a blessed week :)

A good week!

Making a plan and sticking to it has paid off!  I'm down a pound this week so that makes a total of 23 in about 5 months!  It's slow but steady progress.  I'll take it!  I also got some exercise in this week and made sure I ate a variety of meals on plan.  Making a commitment and sticking to it has been the key for my success this week.  I'm excited to see what next week holds!  I know it will take longer to get this weight off me, but I am confident that it will eventually come off!  At my rate of loss, I am well on my way to being 50 lbs down by Christmas.  That is exciting.  I won't be at goal, but I'll be closer than I am :)  I'm going to put some pictures up.  Me at Christmas and me a few weeks ago.  They aren't full body shots but I can tell a lot in my face already!

A Plan of action

I am absolutely in love with the Trim Healthy Mama plan!  I love eating gluten free and sugar free.  But let me be honest here for a minute.   Although I am glad for the 22 lbs I have lost in 4 months, I do know it could have been better.  I'll tell you why:  I haven't been 100% committed to the plan.  There have been weeks where I had two days where I ate awful.  I have always been able to get back on track but I feel yucky in the process.

Just tonight, I made myself a bowl of Edy's ice cream.  We had pizza last night (Little Caesars, gasp), and of course the kids wanted ice cream to go with it too.  So not only did I have ice cream last night with very carb heavy pizza, I also ate some more of it today. 

I know what you are thinking, "Why so hard on yourself mama?"  Well, here's the thing.  I'm on to something here.  I have found a way to eat that my body likes, I am losing weight and feeling good when I have my act together.  Being the idiot that I can sometimes be,  I don't want to mess that up.  See, I have lost weight before.  In fact, I have lost weight many times.  But I ALWAYS give up when the going gets tough.  It's different this time.  My mindset is different and I just feel different.  I'm READY this time to be healthy.  I'm READY to not be a plus sized adult. 

But I also know that if I continue with these little mishaps and excuses ("oh, a little pizza won't kill ya kinsey"), that I will lose momentum, interest and focus and be right back at the weight I was at Christmas.  So I need a plan.  A plan of action!

Tomorrow, I'm going to have my husband measure me.  I know, "eeeeeeek" right?  But I know I will be more accountable to myself if my hubby is measuring.  I will also step on the scale in front of him and record my weight.  I will give myself one month to be 100% dedicated to the THM plan.  No deviations!  If I miss dinners, parties, etc to stay on plan, so be it.  I owe it to myself to try. 

I will also come up with a plan to exercise.  See, I've been able to lose this weight by not doing much in the exercise department.  Wonder how I will do if I actually step it up a notch.  I think my main plan of activity will be walking, gardening, chasing toddlers I babysit, kettlebells and hand weights.  I think it's sufficient for me.  I am curious to see how I do and what I learn in this month long journey.  I know I have lots of months left before I reach a goal weight, but I want to commit to one solid on plan month for now!  I will record my progress each week and give final results at the end of the month, which will end two days before my 16th wedding anniversary!

Have a blessed week mamas!

Protecting their innocence

Today I was visiting an online site for moms and a lady was talking about having a conversation with an 11 year old that had come to her daughters sleepover.  This young lady was talking with the mom about seeing the movie Magic Mike.  I was flabbergasted as was the mom who was posting about it.  If you don't know what the movie is about, I haven't seen it but do know it's about male strippers, includes sexual scenes, nudity, cussing, etc.  I wouldn't even watch it and can't imagine an 11 year old talking about it nonchalantly.  This really disturbed me.  My daughter is 10 and 1/2.  I cherish her innocence.  She loves barbies, American girl, knitting, rollerblading, nature, etc.  I can not imagine her being exposed to such filth.  It makes me sick to my stomach that parents would let their kids watch whatever they want.

 Some say I shelter my kids too much.  I worry sometimes that I do too.  But then I think, "I answer only to God."  If we are on our knees putting our concerns in the Master's hands and He is in control of our lives, who has a right to judge my actions?  I want my kids to be aware of the world but not be part of the world.  I want to equip them with the right tools for success and a happy God filled life but I don't have to let them watch filth to accomplish that goal.  See I have these little treasures that God gave me.  I did not carry them in my womb, another lady did.  I was not there when they were born, another lady was.  I didn't get to be there when they crawled or even began to walk, another lady did.  But when he placed these two amazing kids in my arms to be their forever momma, I made a vow.  I would do my best to be the best for them, raise them right, love them always and one day see them give their hearts to Jesus.  My ultimate goal as a momma is to be with my family in Heaven!  To hear the words, "Well done, thy good and faithful servant."

A painful weekend

I had one of the worst weekends I've had personally in a long time.  My cycle finally arrived, yay!  Not having a cycle since October has had me worried.  With PCOS and endometriosis, I knew when it finally arrived it was going to be a doozy.  I had been cramping for about 2 weeks prior to starting and knew my endometriosis was flaring up.  There is just a pain I can't describe with having endo.  It's certainly not anything I would wish on my worst enemy.

Saturday, I went to the grocery store.  I woke up in a cranky mood and really wanted to stay home.  We had had a majorly busy week and I needed food.  Frankie was working so off I went with the kids.  I had no more gotten in the car then the cramping started.  I just figured it would go away like the other times in the last two weeks and ignored it and went on to town.

The pain just kept intensifying as I shopped.  By the time we got done and got in the car, I was nearly in tears.  It was a full blown endo flare up.  I just knew I had started.  You don't cramp like that for no good reason.  We had planned on doing other things in town but I just headed home in a pain filled fog.  I didn't have any ibuprofen with me so suffered until I got home.

Once I got home and realized I had started I knew I was in for some rough days. With PCOS I never know how my cycle is going to be.  Sometimes I can have a normal (well, normal to me) period and other times its like it was this weekend.  The bleeding started that afternoon and boy did I bleed.  I was soaking two pads in an hour.  All I could do was lay in bed and moan and cry.  Bless my husbands heart, he went to town, got me a heating pad and took such good care of me.  He knows how quickly my well-being deteriorates when it gets this bad.  We've been down too many roads of blood transfusions, hospital stays and surgeries.

When you are laying in bed and you have taken a 600 mg prescribed ibuprofen and it is not touching your cramps, satan loves to attack me.  "Look at how broken you are", "If God loved you, He would heal your body and you would be able to have babies."  I have to admit I wasn't strong this weekend and the devil absolutely whipped my tail!  When you are in so much pain you just want to rip out your uterus, nothing can console you.  I knew so many THM ladies on Facebook might have some suggestions for ways to help with my pain and bleeding.  I immediately started asking online for advice on how to deal with my pain.  Here are some things I did that helped me tremendously.

I made a lavender oil and peppermint oil salve using drops of each with coconut oil as the carrier and rubbed all over my tummy.  I soaked Castor oil in flannel and placed it over my lower abdomen and put the heating pad over this for 45 minutes.  I did this twice Sunday and slept like a baby pain free Sunday night.

I also bought some bilberry and red raspberry leaf tea.  Both are supposed to help with cramps.  I'll have these on hand for the next cycle.  I love ibuprofen but it makes my bleeding worse.

The biggest thing I did to help with bleeding was to start taking apple cider vinegar. I take 2 tsp in a glass of water 2-3 times a day.  I started doing this about a 2 years ago when I was researching ways to help slow my bleeding naturally.  You ever been to earthclinic?  It's a great resource for natural remedies.  I can and have bled for 60 days before, so I know if it goes past a week of heavy bleeding, it's too much.  The vinegar was a life saver.  It will slow my flow in two days and by day 3 or 4 I am almost completely done with my period.  It's a miracle cure drug!

You may be wondering why in the world I am devoting a whole post to my period.  Well, it's a part of me and every other woman I know.  As I am on this weight loss journey, I know that it's going to take a long time for my body to heal.  I thought eating lower carb/sugar free would make my cycles somewhat normal.  My body is more messed up than I thought.  I know God will heal my body.  He has given me a brain that loves to research and find natural remedies to help myself.  I will get there, eventually.  He's my anchor.  My rock.  I am nothing without Him.  And He says in His word, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

NOT BROKEN

Take that devil!