Lighter

For the past month or two, I have battled depression.  It hits me every year around the holidays and winter.  I just had an out and out case of the blues.  A lot of personal things have happened around the holidays but one of the hardest things for me to deal with on an ongoing basis is my infertility.  Yes, God has blessed me with two amazing adopted children and I am very fulfilled with my role as their momma.  I know with out a shadow of a doubt I was meant to be their forever momma.

But I also long to carry a baby.  To know I was able to do as the bible instructs, to be "fruitful and multiply".  It's like a secret club that I will never have access to.  Every time you get a group of women together, talk always turns to pregnancy and childbirth.  Sometimes I am able to sit and listen and even enjoy the conversation, but sometimes, when I'm in a bad place, the enemy whispers in my ear, "you don't belong", "you're broken".  Hateful words in my opinion!  So when that happens, I quietly get up and walk away and the group of ladies are never the wiser that inside I am tormented.   Infertility is a horrible silent disease.  I didn't choose this and would never wish it on anyone.  I don't like to have pity parties with anyone, so most of the time I keep it to myself.  My family are the only ones who know my deep pain over this.  And how sweet and supportive they are, always listening when I need to vent.

Sunday at church as our youth group sang, I felt the urge to go pray.  Our church is a sweet little country church and our altar is always open for people to pray and seek help.  As I poured my heart out to God, I told him, "Lord, I feel so alone in this journey.  Will I ever get over this?"  He so sweetly and gently listened to my heart.  Little by little I became aware of hands on my back as people prayed with me.  God told me so gently, "You're not alone."  Two of my sisters and my momma were right beside me, praying and crying with me.  I felt such a burden lifted.  That shroud of depression was gone.  I felt lighter, freer and at peace.  God is so good and faithful to me, even when I am at my lowest.  I adore Him!  I refuse to give satan any more of my time this winter! One of  my favorite bible verses is Jeremiah 29:11, For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. 

This is a very personal post.  I am on a journey to lose weight and regain my health.  I need to process a lot of stuff right now and some of it may come out as I blog.  I also keep a journal at home which is really helpful to me so please bear with me on days like today when I just need to speak my heart. :)

On a lighter note, I woke up this morning feeling lighter physically so I decided to just get it over with and weigh.  So since Christmas I am down 11 pounds!   I'm very excited about that.  Here's my menu plans for today.

B-Light/white muffins with blueberries, chocolate milk (almond milk with cocoa and nustevia blended in blender)

L-turkey sandwich on oopsie rolls. raw veggies(peppers, cukes)

S- I'm going to a pampered chef party so we are having some kind of soup.  I am also bringing the basic cheesecake for desert.

Snacks will be an apple with tsp. of pb, big boy smoothie if needed.

My loves on Christmas!

Full Steam Ahead!!!

It's official. I joined Weight Watchers a week ago and when I went back last night to the meeting, I had lost 5.8 pounds!!!! I was super excited! I have not told anyone in my family. Why, you say? Well, this is a routine I need to establish just for me, something I need to do for myself. I honest to goodness want to wait until someone notices that I have actually lost weight, then I can gleefully tell them my secret:)

It's important to me that I do this for myself. I don't even recognize myself anymore. Everything hurts, I have no energy and I am extremely overweight. I even worked at the YMCA for two years! I did not take advantage of the facility and was very much in denial about my weight. I was the heaviest person that worked in my department. Talk about humiliating. When the staff is so health conscious and I just did not care something is wrong! Well, maybe deep down I did, but I put on such a cool facade. Aren't we good at that? Put on a smile when inside we are crying? God has blessed and been so good to me and I am ashamed of how I have treated my body. I hope to correct that this year. The enemy wants me to fail. But I have something he doesn't. God. "I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strenghtheneth me" With His help, I will succeed! Because I sure haven't been able to figure it out for myself, lol!!!

I hope in the next few weeks to start posting pictures. My digital camera is on the blitz and I will hopefully be able to buy a new one soon.

My roles defined!

I was recently reading a friends blog and she issued a challenge: What are your roles? So I thought for my post today and to start off my new year, that I would get my roles out there, write about them, think about them, dwell on them.

What are my roles?

First and foremost I am a Christian. My first obligation is to God. I would be nowhere with out His amazing grace! I have desired a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father this year, like never before. I want people to see the love of God on my face, in my actions. It doesn't always work out that way, but I am trying.

Wife: I love being a wife to Frankie. He is my best friend. He is so funny and such a good provider. Now before you think he's perfect, he has flaws too! He loses his temper way too quickly and easily and is not patient. But my job is to be the best wife and helpmate I can be for him. Sometimes I feel like when he comes home, he gets the worst of me, because I am so exhausted. So I am going to work on that this year. He deserves better!

Mother/Homeschool Teacher: This is a job I take seriously. I love my children to the ends of the earth. They were given to me by God to love, nurture and cherish and I try to do my best. I am also their teacher. I am responsible for their learning. It's important to me that they learn, but that they also have a heart for God and people. I always tell them I don't care what they grow up to be, as long as it honors God and that they serve Him gladly. It's a tall order, but I will do my best. The bible says, Train up a child in the way they should go and when they are old, they will not depart from it. I am holding on to that promise.

Sister/Daughter: In my family, we are close. I have three sisters and I love them all dearly. I have a blessed mother whom I thank God for. My father has always provided for us and I admire him greatly. It's important to me that I focus on being the sister and daughter they need. I want the love of God to shine on my face for them to see. We have been through a lot over the past few years and nothing matters more than family. I didn't get to choose my family, God did, and I reckon He knows best!

Family Chef: I am the only cook in our family. Frankie can boil water, cook hamburger meat and peel a potato. It's up to me to do the rest. I love to cook, I don't like to shop for food. But I will do it because it's my job. This year, I want to incorporate more fresh healthy meals and get away from the same old, same old stuff. I do have picky eaters, but they are just going to have to get over themselves already:)

Some things I have given up: employment: I was employed by the YMCA for two years. I just gave that up last week. Was it hard? Yes and no. I love all the people I worked with, but I didn't enjoy the job. I think for me, the fact that I homeschool, I am with my children all day and I was going to work with tons of children and never getting a break from children! It stressed me out to work there. So now, I am going to take one of the evenings that I would normally work and go grocery shopping and have an evening to myself. I need this mental break from my children for my sanity and health!

Some things I hope to gain this year: My health: it's really fallen by the wayside. I don't take care of myself like I should. I don't want to be selfish and hog all the spare time for myself, but 30 minutes to an hour each day is not too much to ask to exercise, read, pray, blog, cry, whatever it is I need to do. I am overweight. I am not proud of that. How much overweight, you say? Well, let's just say I would qualify for The Biggest Loser! I have been pondering on joining Weight Watchers. I think I would benefit from the group atmosphere and interaction. I'm still pondering on it. I know that I want to honor God by honoring my body and what I put in it. I haven't been doing that and I'm ashamed of how unhealthy and heavy I am. But God has never left nor forsaken me and I know that He won't now.

So as you read this blog, what is your role? What defines you as a woman, mother, wife, sister, friend and christian? Happy New Year!

My first official blog ever!

Well, it's official! I'm a blogger! Why did I start this? I honestly don't know. I have always journaled since I was a teen, so it's only natural that I continue technologically as well. What will my blog be about? It'll be some about my family and the joys and trials of homeschooling. Some about myself and the fact that I am an unhappy overweight person. Wow, did I just say that out loud. Aren't we as good southern christian women supposed to keep all that in? Put on the perfect facade, nothing is ever wrong. Well there you go people, it's all out now! :) A lot of my blog will be about God. I would be nowhere without him! Even in my lowest moments, God has always been there. I would be nothing with out him.

Can you have peace within and be miserable on the outside? I think you can. Since I started staying home with my children and homeschooling, I have seen God's love and mercy like never before. But I have also lost myself in the process. When you give your all to your children and husband and forget to take care of yourself, the end result is not pretty. So with the help of the Lord and my family, I want to embark on a journey back to myself. What makes me... well, me?

Is my identity all about being a homeschooling wife? Is that the sum of my existence? I know that God has given me a heart to be exactly where I am today, but I used to have hobbies that have fallen by the wayside. Where is the time? I used to take care of myself, I used to care how I looked, now Sunday is the only day I care about how I look. I hope that by getting my thoughts down on paper, or well, on computer, that I can once again reclaim some of myself that I feel has fell by the wayside. Wish me luck!