How I spent my weekend

This post will be long, personal and a little piece of my soul.  Bear with me.

This past weekend, I went on a Walk to Emmaus.  If you have never heard of it, it is a wonderful weekend with God.  It is the most awesome experience I have ever been involved with.  I went on my first walk 6 years ago and have worked a few times since serving and helping when I can.  It is an absolutely, life changing experience!  It is a weekend of fellowship, worship, speakers, laughter, tears, prayer, singing and God.  Let's not forget little sleep and tons of food.  The beautiful thing about Emmaus is you get all kinds of women from different denominations worshiping together.  Coming from a Baptist background, my form of worship is different than say a Pentecostal or Church of God.  But I have learned that we all have a common goal: to get closer to God.  It is a truly amazing experience.  This weekend was one I will never forget.  God was able to help me let go of such deep hurts, that today, 6 days later, I am still basking in His love and mercy.

You see, I am infertile.  Yep, I said it.  INFERTILE.  Whenever, you hear women talk about their struggles with infertility, they usually say, "We are experiencing some infertility", or "We are having some trouble getting pregnant".   Well, let me just say after 18 years of trying with absolutely no success,  I get the gold star!  I can not even begin to tell you of the struggles, depression, anger and bitterness that I have wrestled with my whole adult life over my infertility.  The bible says, "the fruit of the womb is His reward".  I have went through many periods of utter despair over not receiving that "reward", when I faithfully served and followed Him.  Even my adopted loves have a birth mother, a lady who got to feel them move, give birth and be "rewarded".  At times it was like a slap in my face.  In my mind there was this secret club that I could never belong to no matter how hard I tried.  If you are infertile like me, you know which one I'm talking about.  It's the one that gathers at every baby shower, womens night out and even holiday gatherings.  It's the "lets all tell our pregnancy tales" club.  I can remember sitting there so many times wanting the floor to swallow me as midnight cravings were discussed or the excitement of feeling the baby kick, fighting back tears because I had nothing to contribute.  Many times I have quietly gotten up from the  conversation with no one realizing the silent anguish I carried inside. 

If you have an infertile friend, please don't ever say, "I understand how you feel".  The sweetest thing my mom, my sisters and a few special friends have said to me is, "I'm sorry you are going through this battle, I love you, I'm praying for you".  They didn't understand my despair, but they shared in it, lending a listening ear when I needed to vent and that was so comforting and helpful to me.

Now, I will say that adoption has absolutely filled my hearts desire to be a momma.  I longed for little arms around me and to hear the sweet words, "I love you mommy".  And God gave me the desires of my heart. My children are the best thing to ever happen to me.  I can't imagine that I would love a biological child any more.  I'd like to say I never had times of depression after adoption and longing for pregnancy, but that would be a lie.  I still wanted what I couldn't have.  Don't we all do that to some degree?  Bitterness took an ugly hold on my heart and at times I was able to squash it and experience pure joy.  But the seeds were still there, lurking in the dark, always looking for an opportunity to rear their ugly heads.  I just wasn't ready to let go and let God.

My resolution in January was for healing.  That was the word that kept coming up when I would pray.  I really just wanted my infertility to not have such a negative hold on me any more.  I even looked up several verses in my concordance on healing and wrote them down in my journal.  I was ready in January to take a step in the right direction for God to deal with me about my bitterness.  I was called about working the next women's walk and the first talk that a pastor gave at our team meeting was about healing.  I knew that God meant to work on my heart that weekend.  

There is a special ceremony during the womens walk, where you are asked to let go of something holding you back in life.  I knew for me it was my bitterness.  When I spoke it out loud and claimed it, I was able to finally and when I say finally, I am crying as I type this, FINALLY, able to let go of all my hurt and disappointments with my fertility struggles.  1 Peter 5:7 says, "Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you".  I was able to really just let it go and let God.  I let God just minister to me and love me.  It was one of the sweetest times of fellowship I've ever had with the Lord.  He truly does care for us and hurts when we hurt.  He rejoices when we find that joy that only He can give.

You want to know the awesome part?  At my table God placed two other adoptive moms, a newly pregnant soon-to-be mom, a mom with 5 kids and a young mom.  All precious women who showed me that it doesn't matter how we became moms, through biology or adoption, we are all on this journey together.  My journey doesn't look like anyone elses but I can finally say, It is well with my soul.  For now, I am so content to raise my darlings and just enjoy being alive.  Life is hard sometimes, but God is good!  What a beautiful, amazing journey it is!