Saturday, March 28, 2015

How I spent my weekend

This post will be long, personal and a little piece of my soul.  Bear with me.

This past weekend, I went on a Walk to Emmaus.  If you have never heard of it, it is a wonderful weekend with God.  It is the most awesome experience I have ever been involved with.  I went on my first walk 6 years ago and have worked a few times since serving and helping when I can.  It is an absolutely, life changing experience!  It is a weekend of fellowship, worship, speakers, laughter, tears, prayer, singing and God.  Let's not forget little sleep and tons of food.  The beautiful thing about Emmaus is you get all kinds of women from different denominations worshiping together.  Coming from a Baptist background, my form of worship is different than say a Pentecostal or Church of God.  But I have learned that we all have a common goal: to get closer to God.  It is a truly amazing experience.  This weekend was one I will never forget.  God was able to help me let go of such deep hurts, that today, 6 days later, I am still basking in His love and mercy.

You see, I am infertile.  Yep, I said it.  INFERTILE.  Whenever, you hear women talk about their struggles with infertility, they usually say, "We are experiencing some infertility", or "We are having some trouble getting pregnant".   Well, let me just say after 18 years of trying with absolutely no success,  I get the gold star!  I can not even begin to tell you of the struggles, depression, anger and bitterness that I have wrestled with my whole adult life over my infertility.  The bible says, "the fruit of the womb is His reward".  I have went through many periods of utter despair over not receiving that "reward", when I faithfully served and followed Him.  Even my adopted loves have a birth mother, a lady who got to feel them move, give birth and be "rewarded".  At times it was like a slap in my face.  In my mind there was this secret club that I could never belong to no matter how hard I tried.  If you are infertile like me, you know which one I'm talking about.  It's the one that gathers at every baby shower, womens night out and even holiday gatherings.  It's the "lets all tell our pregnancy tales" club.  I can remember sitting there so many times wanting the floor to swallow me as midnight cravings were discussed or the excitement of feeling the baby kick, fighting back tears because I had nothing to contribute.  Many times I have quietly gotten up from the  conversation with no one realizing the silent anguish I carried inside. 

If you have an infertile friend, please don't ever say, "I understand how you feel".  The sweetest thing my mom, my sisters and a few special friends have said to me is, "I'm sorry you are going through this battle, I love you, I'm praying for you".  They didn't understand my despair, but they shared in it, lending a listening ear when I needed to vent and that was so comforting and helpful to me.

Now, I will say that adoption has absolutely filled my hearts desire to be a momma.  I longed for little arms around me and to hear the sweet words, "I love you mommy".  And God gave me the desires of my heart. My children are the best thing to ever happen to me.  I can't imagine that I would love a biological child any more.  I'd like to say I never had times of depression after adoption and longing for pregnancy, but that would be a lie.  I still wanted what I couldn't have.  Don't we all do that to some degree?  Bitterness took an ugly hold on my heart and at times I was able to squash it and experience pure joy.  But the seeds were still there, lurking in the dark, always looking for an opportunity to rear their ugly heads.  I just wasn't ready to let go and let God.

My resolution in January was for healing.  That was the word that kept coming up when I would pray.  I really just wanted my infertility to not have such a negative hold on me any more.  I even looked up several verses in my concordance on healing and wrote them down in my journal.  I was ready in January to take a step in the right direction for God to deal with me about my bitterness.  I was called about working the next women's walk and the first talk that a pastor gave at our team meeting was about healing.  I knew that God meant to work on my heart that weekend.  

There is a special ceremony during the womens walk, where you are asked to let go of something holding you back in life.  I knew for me it was my bitterness.  When I spoke it out loud and claimed it, I was able to finally and when I say finally, I am crying as I type this, FINALLY, able to let go of all my hurt and disappointments with my fertility struggles.  1 Peter 5:7 says, "Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you".  I was able to really just let it go and let God.  I let God just minister to me and love me.  It was one of the sweetest times of fellowship I've ever had with the Lord.  He truly does care for us and hurts when we hurt.  He rejoices when we find that joy that only He can give.

You want to know the awesome part?  At my table God placed two other adoptive moms, a newly pregnant soon-to-be mom, a mom with 5 kids and a young mom.  All precious women who showed me that it doesn't matter how we became moms, through biology or adoption, we are all on this journey together.  My journey doesn't look like anyone elses but I can finally say, It is well with my soul.  For now, I am so content to raise my darlings and just enjoy being alive.  Life is hard sometimes, but God is good!  What a beautiful, amazing journey it is!

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Am I ready to blog again?

It has been another long break from my blog.  I have spent the last little bit reading over some of my old posts.  I can see that writing for me is an outlet and so helpful when I am down and out over things I can't control.  I may blog some in the next few months as we decide if we are going to put our house on the market to sell.  We are ready to lower our debt load.  Being on one income is a HUGE sacrifice for our family.  There a lot of things we don't do because the money just isn't there.  But the rewards of being tighter knit as a family are worth any extras we may think we need.  So, here's what I do know right now:

God is good.
God is sovereign.
God cares for me, even when I mess up and don't think He does.
God gave me two precious treasures to love and raise and I am so thankful.
I am still infertile and actually have a lot to say about that, but that will come later.
I adore my husband, who can also drive me to insanity!
I love and I mean love to garden and work in flowers.
My children are growing up way too fast!

And last but not least,  GOD IS GOOD!


Saturday, September 28, 2013

A busy season

I'm learning on this life journey that there are busy times and slow times.  This is a busy season in  my life.  I was looking forward to beginning a new school year at the first of August knowing that this forces me to slow down and not commit to so many outside activities and focus on educating my children.  Somehow, my brain did not get the memo and I am still going full force.  We went camping for a week in August, I started working part time in the evenings, my sister got married, of which I was in charge of decorating, my husband has been so busy that we've not had a date night in months, I am one of the leaders at our homeschool co-op which meets weekly and I am teaching 3 classes that I have to prepare for each week.

I need a vacation.

Oh wait, I am going to Disney World in February, does that count?

Where does this leave me on my diet?  I'm still plugging along with Trim Healthy Mama 85% of the time.  I am exercising regularly and am happy about that, but I'm ready to focus on losing more weight.  My periods are starting to be more regular, thanks to vitex and I haven't had any endo flare ups in a while.  That is worth sticking to gluten free and sugar free as much as I can. 

Getting a part time job was necessary right now for financial reasons and to help save for our Disney trip.  It has been hard to maneuver because I don't get to see my husband in the evenings and we don't get to sit down to dinner together so I don't know how long I will work as right now my husband isn't happy.  I told him I wanted to work until we go on vacation.  We will see.  Mommas roles are so important to a healthy balance in the house.  I don't know how families have two working parents, kids in school and do sports and clubs.  I cherish my time with my family and I know everyone is different.  I'm just so thankful I can stay home and be with my family as much as I am. 

 I know that seasons come and go, this isn't forever and all will be well soon!  God has been so good to me, blessed me with beautiful children and a wonderful husband.  It's all good :)

Friday, August 2, 2013

Endo flare up

     The other day hubster and I picked about 7 gallons of tame blackberries at a friends house.  We came home and got busy getting them squished and juiced for jelly.  We sent the kids on to church and work for a few hours.  By this point we were starving so we took a break and went to town to get some supper.  We mutually agreed on pizza.

    Can I just say that out of any meal I am gonna cheat on, it'll be with pizza.  I LOVE it!  Give me gooey, cheesy, meaty yumminess and I will eat more than I should every time.  We called and got the special of the day.  Little did we know it came with cini-stix.  Which are equally sinful and yummy.   Since it was just us, we ate every single bite.  I totally knew I was blowing my diet for this one meal and knew I would get right back on track, but I wasn't prepared for how horrible I would feel the next day. 

     As I am learning more about endometriosis, I know that wheat and sugar can trigger flare-ups.  Well, I had both that day and it set me up for three days of pain.  I was not a happy camper.  As I was telling mom about it, she said, "Was it worth it?"  Of course it was NOT!!!  But breaking addictions to sugar and carbs is very, very hard.  I want to be healed and well.  I hate that my body is infertile and that simply eating pizza reminds me of how much healing my body needs to do.  I wish that I could eat what I want and be a normal size.  I know that I am taking the right steps to get me where I want to be, I just wish it would happen yesterday!!!

     Here's what I do know:  God is good.  I am relatively healthy, my children and husband are well.  I love my life and wouldn't change anything about it, except my health.  I am making strides to fix that too!  I will get there, eventually.

And what a happy day that will be!

Monday, July 22, 2013

Crazy Days need extra planning!

It was a crazy day at my house.  My little boy came that I babysit and then I had to get a lunch packed for our home school co-op play date at the park.  I made the kids a sandwich then I had to think about my lunch.  Mine usually takes more prep because I am not eating bread.  I was so hungry this morning.  I tried a new recipe.  I made an orange creamsicle protein shake.  I used almond milk, ice, protein powder, stevia and 3 drops of orange essential oil.  It was yummy but I realized that I'm not a sweet eater for breakfast.  Two drops would have been enough. So I ate it and it was filling but  I really love some sausage and eggs or a muffin in a mug for breakfast.  I'm a true blue country gal! I ended up having some skinny chocolate and then later had some leftover devilled eggs for a snack (I know, weird right?)

Anyway back to my lunch.  I prepped beef salami, cheese, fresh cucumbers and peppers from the garden, strawberries and pecans.  I finished packing the kids lunch, filled water bottles, found raincoats, loaded the recyclables and out the door we went.  Then I realized I needed gas.  So after dropping off the plastic at the recycling center and getting gas, we were park bound.  It was a whirl wind day of group meeting, rounding up kids, feeding them, meeting some more, round up kids and then coming home. 

As soon as I got home, I sat down at the table to work on planning our new school year (which begins Monday), then hubby came home for 5 minutes and was back out the door to go to another job.  I then had to go pick up our weekly eggs, which again was rounding up the kids and heading out.  I drive 10 minutes to get 3 dozen eggs every week and they are the yummiest, best eggs ever!  You can't beat free range, organic eggs for 2.50 a dozen.  Worth every bit of effort.

After coming home, this was all I heard, "I'm starving, what's for supper?"  Thankfully I had thawed some deer tenderloin.  So I made my family some tenderloin, mashed potatoes, corn and sauteed zucchini in butter.  I ate tenderloin, zucchini and a small portion of mashed potatoes.  It had a been a long time since I've them and I had a yummy crossover meal with some ice cold milk. 

Shew!  I'm exhausted just typing all that out.  I'm glad everyday isn't like that or I'd be a basket case!  Now I'm off to watch a movie with hubby.  The kids are holed up in my room watching sleeping beauty.  Have a blessed week :)

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Summer is finally here! Thank you Lord!

     It's been a crazy summer.  Rain was prolific at the end of June and early July.  We have finally had great and HOT weather this week.  We have been able to swim at my moms several times and it finally feels like summer!  Just when we are starting to enjoying it, we will begin our new homeschool year in a week.  Yikes!  I'm ready.  We have been off for about six weeks and it's time to get back in a groove.  I am finally back on track with my eating plan.  Coming off sugar completely was not fun, especially with my period coming this week.  My periods are the type that I am bed-ridden for a couple of days as my endometriosis flairs up.  Since I have been taking Vitex regularly, my periods are starting to even out.  I went from October-March with no period, then I had one in March, June and now July.  I think I may start to have them regularly if I keep up my Vitex routine.  I think exercising 3-5 times a week is helping as well.

     Tomorrow is homecoming at church.  Normally I plan to eat whatever I want at church dinners and deal with getting back on track the next day.  Tomorrow, I am planning on eating what I should and nothing else.  It's not worth the guilt and the physical pain from too much wheat and sugar that I will get by going off plan.  If I am going to cheat, it had better be an absolutely delicious meal. 

    Now that I'm back on track,  I'm calling it Round 2.  The first round was from January-May and I lost 23 lbs.  The last two months I have been off plan more than on, which resulted in gaining 5 lbs.  So this time around, I am planning on another 20 lbs by Christmas!  I will get this weight off me, even if it takes 3 years (which more than likely, it will). 

     I'm working on a post about adoption, but I'm not quite ready to post it.  Maybe in a week or two!

Friday, July 5, 2013

Am I sabotaging myself?

I've been doing THM for six months now.  I absolutely love eating gluten and sugar free.  I feel great when I stick with it.  But here lately, well two months to be exact, I have had the hardest time staying on plan.  I keep losing and gaining the same 5 lbs over and over and over.  It is frustrating to say the least.  I do well for a week or two and then BAM!  I go to a party, cook-out, church dinner, etc and get completely off track for a few days.  Then I get back on track and then WHAM!  I go on a date night and feel like treating myself and have a cheat meal and then the next morning feel horrible and eat off plan again and then it takes several days to get back on track again.


Some people have this insane ability that they can go to social functions and eat what they are supposed to and never have trouble and then lose 50 lbs in the same six months it has taken me to lose 20.

I would like to smack these people.  :)

Losing weight is HARD!  I have found a way that I am successful, I feel great, I am regaining my health, but I STILL am struggling.  There are times I have cried out to the Lord in frustration.  "Lord, am I going to be overweight for the rest of my life?"  "Why can't I stay on track?"  I am reminded that we live in a fallen world.  Life is not meant to be easy all the time.  I have an enemy who wants me to fail.  He would like me to stay in this frustrated state so that I am not useful to God.  I remind him that I have a Father who can!

I deserve to be healthy and happy.  I want to honor God and take care of the one body He gave me.  It's going to be a long, uphill battle to get this weight off me.  I WILL do it!  It won't be today, tomorrow or probably even by next spring, but I know that at some point in my future, I will be the Trim Healthy Mama that I want to be.