The Longing to be a Mama

I remember years ago when my husband and I were trying so hard to concieve and each year I had to endure the dreaded holiday:  Mother's Day.  Oh how I couldn't wait for that day to be over.  Our church has a tradition that the mom with the most kids present gets a gift and the oldest and the youngest mom get a gift and are recognized.  That was only three people so it wasn't so bad.  I remember one year very distinctly.  We had been trying to have a baby through countless rounds of fertility treatments and I was especially touchy on this particular Mother's Day.  It seemed like a year when there was a ton of new babies at church and motherhood was being celebrated everywhere.  Everywhere except my house.

To think that only three people would be recognized at Mother's Day was not too bad, until they also asked every mother to stand up and be recognized.  I felt sick and my heart sunk as row after row of women stood up.  I sat there mutely and like a stone.  I didn't dare glance around.  But I knew I was one of the very, very few women still seated.  I felt hot from the embarrassment that I was sitting and not standing.  I felt so ashamed.  If that wasn't bad enough to sit there, the applause started.  Endless clapping as I fought back tears for the very thing my heart desired: motherhood.  That elusive club that I longed to belong to.  I had to sit there and clap and put on a happy face and pretend all was right with the world.  You see, infertility is not talked about.  Everyone knew I was trying to have a baby, but no one really understood what I was going through.  Until you have faced infertility, you don't have a clue what it's like to long for a baby so hard it hurts.  It's a physical, mental and spiritual anguish.  To know that your body just can't do what millions of women do every day is gut wrenching.

 I'm so thankful that God has bottled all my tears over the years and heard my heart and listened to my pleas.  Because He did make me a mother.  Just not in the way I intended.  He heard my hearts desire to be a mother and he brought me and my husband two of the greatest kids ever.  Through adoption I get to stand up every Mother's Day and be recognized.  I get to have hugs and kisses every day, get the privilege of raising two wonderful kids.  Infertility still hurts immensely at times but to only focus on that would be to say I don't have faith in the Lord. To only focus on my infertility would mean I'm not thankful for my blessings!  God knows what I needed more than I do.  If I say that I trust Him and love Him, shouldn't I rest in His promises and know that He has it under control?  There is a reason I haven't conceived and may never.  One day I will know.  But for now I am busy raising a family that God weaved together with his own hands!