But I also long to carry a baby. To know I was able to do as the bible instructs, to be "fruitful and multiply". It's like a secret club that I will never have access to. Every time you get a group of women together, talk always turns to pregnancy and childbirth. Sometimes I am able to sit and listen and even enjoy the conversation, but sometimes, when I'm in a bad place, the enemy whispers in my ear, "you don't belong", "you're broken". Hateful words in my opinion! So when that happens, I quietly get up and walk away and the group of ladies are never the wiser that inside I am tormented. Infertility is a horrible silent disease. I didn't choose this and would never wish it on anyone. I don't like to have pity parties with anyone, so most of the time I keep it to myself. My family are the only ones who know my deep pain over this. And how sweet and supportive they are, always listening when I need to vent.
Sunday at church as our youth group sang, I felt the urge to go pray. Our church is a sweet little country church and our altar is always open for people to pray and seek help. As I poured my heart out to God, I told him, "Lord, I feel so alone in this journey. Will I ever get over this?" He so sweetly and gently listened to my heart. Little by little I became aware of hands on my back as people prayed with me. God told me so gently, "You're not alone." Two of my sisters and my momma were right beside me, praying and crying with me. I felt such a burden lifted. That shroud of depression was gone. I felt lighter, freer and at peace. God is so good and faithful to me, even when I am at my lowest. I adore Him! I refuse to give satan any more of my time this winter! One of my favorite bible verses is Jeremiah 29:11, For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
This is a very personal post. I am on a journey to lose weight and regain my health. I need to process a lot of stuff right now and some of it may come out as I blog. I also keep a journal at home which is really helpful to me so please bear with me on days like today when I just need to speak my heart. :)
On a lighter note, I woke up this morning feeling lighter physically so I decided to just get it over with and weigh. So since Christmas I am down 11 pounds! I'm very excited about that. Here's my menu plans for today.
B-Light/white muffins with blueberries, chocolate milk (almond milk with cocoa and nustevia blended in blender)
L-turkey sandwich on oopsie rolls. raw veggies(peppers, cukes)
S- I'm going to a pampered chef party so we are having some kind of soup. I am also bringing the basic cheesecake for desert.
Snacks will be an apple with tsp. of pb, big boy smoothie if needed.
My loves on Christmas!
Your children are beautiful, McKinsey! I can feel the hurt in your post, and yet you finish it with such grace. I am praying for you. I have not experienced infertility but I know the pain of unfulfilled dreams, nonetheless. I have lost a baby at fullterm. I know you would love to just carry a baby and it's not the same.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on the weight loss!
Thank you dear nataly! You are so strong having gone through that loss. I'll be cheering you on :)
ReplyDeleteOur experiences are different but the pain feels the same. I do the same thing when women talk about their pregnancies and child birth (heck, even their kids at this point sometimes). The pain is unbearable at times and I literally come home and scream. But like you I realize God has me in His hands and already knows my ending. You are in my prayers and I'm here for you anytime if you need to talk to someone who understands a little.
ReplyDeleteMckinsey, this is what blogging is all about in my opinion. A place we can share the ups and downs and through our ups and downs, help others. I had never really thought about you struggling with infertility...thanks for keeping it real. I will pray with you and for you, you can count on that.
ReplyDelete